"I really like to bring people together from various parts of my life and I am always thrilled if new friendships are actually forged in consequence."
Funny that my first post would be about friendships, but whatever. Before I get into my actual thoughts, I want to say that I am an extremely private person and many of the occurrences in my life have led me to be this way. Thus, by vowing to keep all posts on this blog public, I'm sealing my fate to imminent doom. And along with words on display for all to see comes my heart and innermost thoughts, so here's to (hopefully) kicking fear in the butt and people-pleasing to the curb as well.
Well, here goes.
It was that quote above that tipped off a whole train of thoughts, leading me to dwell upon a recent recurring theme. This Christina girl sounds lovely, by the way, and her viewpoint towards friendships is much like that of one of my best friends (my right breast) "V." I really admire this quality of all-inclusive camaraderie, where gathering people from all aspects of ones life is as easy as making trail mix. Taking a smidgen of friends from high school, college, work, and beyond and appreciating the amalgam is something that I personally find difficult to do.
In fact, I realize that I purposefully avoid it. I will be honest with myself here and dig a bit deeper, if you don't mind grabbing a shovel while I'm at it. Perhaps it is a sense of preservation that I seek, a fear of loss or even dispossession. It stems from my childhood, recalling the time when my best friend since birth decided that I was no longer fun enough to play with at the end of 2nd grade. In 3rd grade, I befriended my first Caucasian playmate. The thing about the white people at my elementary school was, though, that they were the "cool" ones and the top of the social hierarchy, even though the majority was Asians and Indians. Yet somehow, she chose me. I remember playing Barbies at her house, complete with a dozen outfits and accessories to boot. I sat in her mom's convertible and remember the tangled mess my hair became after a ride down the freeway. I remember the sunshine that filled her house as well as the couple of cats she owned that gave me a mild allergic reaction. But somehow I don't remember the day she told me she no longer wanted to be friends and went back to the popular white girls. My brother recently drew upon that memory, saying he remembered that I was bawling my eyes out and said that I never ever wanted anymore friends.
Fast forward 7 years and I'm losing another of my friends to join what becomes a trio of inseparable giggleboxes. I didn't see her as much and she became stuck like glue to those 2. In my senior year of college, one of my best friends during that time finds her "sista" and soul mate, and I lose another. I would end up referring to her as my "long lost lover," because the relationship was gone and there were so many things that would remind me of her, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and a deep sadness in my heart.
Apparently my personality type has the tendency to become possessive, or so I've read before. I see that, but I also understand a bit of why I am that way. Yet as I evaluate my development as a person, I see that it was fear that makes me act as I do. Even pride is probably thrown into the mix, fearing one group of friends' judgment of another. But that just shows I must be judging my friends as well. Dang.
However, when I look back on my life and see who I've become as a result of my friendships, and look upon all the friendships that have withstood the test of time, I thank God. A quote from C.S. Lewis from a sermon I heard this past Sunday puts things in amazing perspective: "Christ, who said to the disciples "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends "You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." (I love this blog post, where you can find the rest of that quote!) I am so blessed to have several best friends from all walks of life, including my mom, a nearly next-door neighbor, a loyal horse, a sister that came from the other side of the world, a so-similar trailblazer, and a ROFL-maker. I know now that I don't have to fear loss, because God is the one ultimately in control. That doesn't mean I won't do my share and pursue these friends and all others, but knowing that all these happen in his time, and that guilt and regret from lost friends will not build me up but destroy me.
So what's all this blab for? I guess it's a clearer picture of who I am, and why I am that way. But besides looking at the proverbial mirror within, I think it's a good thing to change or work on. I will try to bring different friends together and see what happens. I will put my hope not in the state of my friendships but the overall work that God is doing in and through them at different stages of life. I will do my best to open my heart up and not be afraid to make new friends. I will choose to trust God and love my friends as he loved me.
Which then, of course, leads me to some points that came from this past Sunday's sermon that was based off of Galatians 5:26 - 6:5-- that we are to carry each other's burdens which fulfills the law of Christ, we are to be sacrificial and faithful, we are to be transparent and humble in gently restoring our friends from sin, and we are to face our fear of friendships. It comes down to the flesh, as selfishness leads us either towards despair or pride; envying our friends and feeling worthless or provoking each other with fake superiority. When we embrace Jesus' friendship, though, these fade. He bore our burdens, he carries us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. We experience his grace and forgiveness and cannot but pass it along to those around us. I know I haven't done the best job in my friendships, and I definitely know my tendencies to people-please and wanting people to like me aren't the best. I admit my fear of friendships and that I haven't fully embraced Jesus as my closest, forever friend. It's seems scary, but I've heard he won't disappoint. I just pray that he shows me how.
peas,
a.
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